I still can’t believe he is gone.
I would trade my piano for him to come back. I would also push it out the window if it meant an angel, would catch it.
Being sad sucks, but also, I suck at it.
But hey, I’ve become a self-pitying lump in the corner. I’m convinced that I will grow old and die alone with no cats to speak of, and so I’m considering investing in ocean-side real estate while prices are still climbing. At least I’d drown silently in the ocean and not leave a mess for the poor person who has to discover me.
In any case, I tried talking about it. Through text. With three friends. I also called Megz who was at work and we cried together.
Then I thought, if I can talk about it, then it will be real. So I texted almost everyone else, which is, like, four more people.
But no one wants to read about that.
No one wants to read sarcastic, cynical thoughts because I am depressing like that. No.
Readers have approached me saying they thought I was just an earnest girl who played piano all day. Thank you for telling me who I am.
I am falling behind. I’m not doing video, which is a no-no in this age. But right now I’m wearing a hoodie that says Hong Kong and my hair is in a messy ponytail, and if you saw that, you’d run away screaming, “no-no”. So, no video today.
One thing I’ve been good at in 2015 is having a voice, I think. Here are a few of my favourite articles from the past year:
How to Move Across the World
I packed my bags and moved to Hong Kong.
How to Produce a Music Event
With two months and a team.
Bleed on the Streets of Asia
Alone, but not really.
Top 3 Mistakes that Beginner Pianists Make
Not my favourite topic. But it’s an embarrassing video.
How to Reinvent Yourself
I lost my passport.
Finding your next passion project
You find what you love, by doing it. I produced a design conference.
If you’re having a bad day, read this
Plain and simple.
Okay, this is supposed to be about embracing the real, unchangeable truth.
The truth is that I am too sarcastic to be around these days. It’s depressing. I sit around in my hoodie and sweats, scrolling through my phone. Or watching movies.
The truth is that I’m working on being more authentic online. It bothers me that people think I’m earnest, because earnest is puppy-dog, and that’s boring. I don’t want to be boring.
The truth is that I am getting used to life without my dad. It sucks knowing that he is in a better place but that I can’t see him anymore, because I just want to know how he’s doing.
Yesterday, I collected his belongings from the airport. I don’t know how long it will take for everything to be okay again, and I don’t know how long I’m allowed to keep making excuses.
But for now, I’m going to keep reading. Go to the gym. Get dinner with a friend. And I might film a piano version of Dancing in the Sky. It’s a song about heaven.