It’s a New Year.

New (Year's) Resolution
I still can’t believe he is gone.

I would trade my piano for him to come back. I would also push it out the window if it meant an angel, would catch it.

Being sad sucks, but also, I suck at it.

But hey, I’ve become a self-pitying lump in the corner. I’m convinced that I will grow old and die alone with no cats to speak of, and so I’m considering investing in ocean-side real estate while prices are still climbing. At least I’d drown silently in the ocean and not leave a mess for the poor person who has to discover me.

In any case, I tried talking about it. Through text. With three friends. I also called Megz who was at work and we cried together.

Then I thought, if I can talk about it, then it will be real. So I texted almost everyone else, which is, like, four more people.

But no one wants to read about that.

No one wants to read sarcastic, cynical thoughts because I am depressing like that. No.

Readers have approached me saying they thought I was just an earnest girl who played piano all day. Thank you for telling me who I am.

I am falling behind. I’m not doing video, which is a no-no in this age. But right now I’m wearing a hoodie that says Hong Kong and my hair is in a messy ponytail, and if you saw that, you’d run away screaming, “no-no”. So, no video today.

But I have a new favourite song, called “Dancing in the Sky.” When someone close is sick, you slowly get used to it, but it doesn’t become okay. You just get used to the idea.

 

One thing I’ve been good at in 2015 is having a voice, I think. Here are a few of my favourite articles from the past year:

How to Move Across the World
I packed my bags and moved to Hong Kong.

How to Produce a Music Event
With two months and a team.

Bleed on the Streets of Asia
Alone, but not really.

Top 3 Mistakes that Beginner Pianists Make
Not my favourite topic. But it’s an embarrassing video.

How to Reinvent Yourself
I lost my passport.

Finding your next passion project
You find what you love, by doing it. I produced a design conference.

If you’re having a bad day, read this
Plain and simple.

 

Okay, this is supposed to be about embracing the real, unchangeable truth.

The truth is that I am too sarcastic to be around these days. It’s depressing. I sit around in my hoodie and sweats, scrolling through my phone. Or watching movies.

The truth is that I’m working on being more authentic online. It bothers me that people think I’m earnest, because earnest is puppy-dog, and that’s boring. I don’t want to be boring.

The truth is that I am getting used to life without my dad. It sucks knowing that he is in a better place but that I can’t see him anymore, because I just want to know how he’s doing.

Yesterday, I collected his belongings from the airport. I don’t know how long it will take for everything to be okay again, and I don’t know how long I’m allowed to keep making excuses.

But for now, I’m going to keep reading. Go to the gym. Get dinner with a friend. And I might film a piano version of Dancing in the Sky. It’s a song about heaven.

There are 12 comments below
12 Comments
Oldest
Newest Most Voted
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Cathy
Cathy
4 years ago

Grace, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my Mom 2 yrs and 4 mos. ago (not that I’m counting) and, although the pain doesn’t leave, you learn to cope with it. “Dancing in the Sky” was released the day of my Mom’s funeral. When I heard it I cried and cried and couldn’t stop playing it. Now when I hear it I still cry, but I can now smile too when I think of Mom dancing in the sky! It has such special meaning to me, because of the song itself and the particular day it was… Read more »

Dee Anne McDade
Dee Anne McDade
4 years ago

Hang in there, Grace. I promise it gets easier. I lost my mom to cancer several years ago. Knowing she is in a better place without the pain and suffering of cancer has given me comfort through the years. Lifting you up during this difficult time!

Mike
Mike
4 years ago

I’m so sorry he’s gone. You just about said that it would happen pretty fast, but I still didn’t think that I’d be getting this email for another month or two. I wish you’d had another month. Heck — I wish you’d been able to postpone this forever. It seems fast to me, but to you it was a minute-by-minute experience, and you won’t feel easier about it for a long time. I lost my dad a little while ago, and afterward all I did was think about death; how long I had, how long my friends would last… Every… Read more »

Diana Lam
Diana Lam
4 years ago
Reply to  Mike

Beautiful …..

Maria
4 years ago

Just remember honey- however and whatever you need to do to get through this it’s okay. Don’t layer on more hurt by judging yourself.
Just be.
Sending love ❤

eve
eve
4 years ago

hello Grace…my mum died on 21st January this year…87…a determined lady who wanted to live forever. so now she is in heaven living her dream. i have tears and laughter remembering my mum… there is nothing wrong with no make up, bad hair days and sleeping when you can…or drinking too much coffee when you can’t. grief is different than anything we have experienced before…so we are allowed to allow ourselves to grieve. remembering them hurts, seeing them get ill hurts… and having to deal with the arrangements and their possessions also hurts… but knowing they are out of pain… Read more »

Diana Lam
Diana Lam
4 years ago

So, how do you get through the pain of losing your loved one …. Your dad? Well, I lost my dad 20 years ago and I still miss him every day. Those moments in my life that he never got to be there for. My wedding, his grandchildren…. Little things…. Big things all missed. I feel cheated and angry sometimes still. Then other times I remember those moments we shared. Simple things and his smile and I smile thinking of him. I hear a song that he loved and remember how his voice sounded when he sang it. How he… Read more »